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731 Jokes found for ""

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Rank / # of Votes	Joke
6.91 430	My Dad got my Mom a Siamese kitten for Christmas, and she's been having it sleep with her in their bed. A day or two after she got it we were all sitting around and my Dad was holding the kitten on his lap. My Mom was talking about the new kitten and she nodded over to my Dad and said, "He was really good in bed last night." My Dad started grinning as I asked, "Really? And how was the kitten?" I haven't seen my Dad laugh so hard in years.
5.49 142	What do you call a hunter who only uses a pea shooter? You call him stupid.
5.69 72	How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!!!
6.36 155	Why did the little boy throw the clock out of the window? To see time fly.
7.63 93	My Uncle Joe is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by my uncle's farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled. "I know it," said Uncle Joe, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
6.49 37	He said he's had a tune running through his head all evening. Well, there's nothing in there to stop it.
7.69 39	My son works at a casino. One evening when he was running the roulette table a fly landed on a number. One of the players noticed and put his money on that number. After my son spun the wheel and there were no winners, he turned to the disappointed bettor and said, "It must have been a house fly." ~~Reader's Digest
7.00 26	A private was rushing into the Army PX when he bumped into the Colonel and almost knocked him down. "Oops," said the private and went on in. The Colonel stopped him and said, "Hold it soldier, don't you see these two eagles on my shoulder?" "No," said the private, "and you wouldn't either if you laid off that PX beer."
7.19 27	My husband's job as theater manager puts him in daily contact with mischievous and runaway children. So, during the holiday rush when a boisterous two-year-old sped by us in a crowded department store, his arm reached down automatically and fielded the child. He led the tot back to its mother, who, instead of being grateful, gave my husband a look of utter disgust. "Look, wise guy," she said acidly, "did you have to catch him so fast?" ~~Reader's Digest
7.58 19	A Chinese scholar was lecturing to a large audience. When the lights suddenly went out, he asked members of the audience to raise first their right hands over their heads, then their left. The moment all the left hands went up, the lights went on. "As Oriental scholar says," explained the lecturer, "many hands make light work."
6.10 21	What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings? A difference of a pinion.
4.58 31	Which has more legs - a dachshund or no dachshund? No dachshund. No dachshund has eight legs; a dachshund has only four.
6.07 15	I have one brother I borrowed so much money from he's like a human credit card. I go into a store with a picture of him and say, "You take Fred?" ~~Sue Kolinsky
8.55 38	Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window. Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor. Judge: Yes, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
6.00 19	Most lying should be blamed on women. They insist on asking questions.
7.58 26	A young girl asks her grandmother how old she is. "I'm eighty-eight," Grandma says. The young girl's eyes widen, "Wow, you mean starting from one?"
7.62 16	How many government employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to insist that it's being taken care of, and the other to screw it into a water faucet.
8.28 18	How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Why do you want to know?
7.71 24	A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
7.62 8	A young New Yorker reports that, on embarking for his freshman year in college, he filled out a form stating that he would like very much to room with a foreign student. On arriving on campus he found that, after a computer had studied the various cards, he was assigned to share a room with another New Yorker who had also asked for a foreign-student roommate.
9.45 20	I read my horoscope and it said, "Make new friends and see what happens." I went out, made three new friends, and nothing happened. Now I'm stuck with three new friends.
9.18 17	It was our cat's first winter. When a raging blizzard came up suddenly, we tried frantically to find Ginger, calling him repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts around the stoop where he liked to hide. Finally I called the police station to inquire if a "found" cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely to my complaint, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible storms. "Ginger," I added on a hopeful note, "is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, he almost talks." "In that case, lady," replied the officer, "hang up. He's probably trying to call you now." ~~Reader's Digest
6.28 18	Nutrisystem... What kind of Nazi diet plan is this? This is where they tell you you have to eat the food they make. They tell you what time of day you have to eat it and you have to eat all of it. This isn't a diet. This is living with your parents.
8.38 16	Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym? Do pull-ups... pull up in a Corvette, pull up in a Rolls Royce, pull up in a Cadillac...
8.30 44	A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
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